


Were

by brittle_bottle



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Based on s3 episode 8, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 17:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16180160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittle_bottle/pseuds/brittle_bottle
Summary: “…But not long after, he moved away. Was that kid…?”“You were a hero to him, Ikuya,” I said smiling.Were.





	Were

**Author's Note:**

> A revised version. If you read the previous version, you can read from "Never again", right after he realized Ikuya forgot about him. I completely changed everything after that line. The previous work was a disgrace
> 
> I always thought Hiyori's smile seem a little sad even after Ikuya and him reconcile.

I took a deep breath.

Sometimes I find it amusing that there used to be a time where I don’t even need to remind myself to breathe. Those times where I don’t need to remind myself that I’m still here, still existing, still alive.

Wait, do those times even exist?

Hmm, can’t remember.

After all, it’s always easier to forget it all.

Still, having too much time on your hands is terrifying. Worries and anxieties never fail to creep in, engulfing you into a dark bottomless abyss.

I’m not sure what or who I should blame it on. Is it my parents for always being busy with work? Is it Ikuya for not remembering? Is it Nanase for trying to reconcile with Ikuya?

I let out a bitter chuckle.

No, I know exactly who to blame it on. Yours truly, this hopeless, pathetic me.

I mean hey, can’t help it. One thing happened after the other and before I knew it, I don’t really have social connections and all.

No, I don’t really have a tragic backstory about being bullied or parents dying in a car crash. Just that my parents are busy working and we moved around a lot. I made friends at first and they were really nice to me, even bringing me to their homes to have dinner together.

Those scenes are always etched in a little corner of my memories. Parents scolding them for not eating their vegetables, siblings mischievously stealing their side dishes, them getting angry and pouting but the most unforgettable part of those memories is me being jealous of it all.

Jealousy is a stupid thing. I would want nothing more than to just enjoy and appreciate those moments. Yet, that pain is always there and before I got around it, I would already have to move to another place. I would go back to eating convenience store bentos or reheated leftovers alone.

Every time I moved, it would always be the same. Wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, walk to school alone, attend school, dismissal, play in the playground alone, eat dinner alone, fall asleep alone and repeat over and over and over again for every fucking day.

Being alone in almost every waking moment, those dark thoughts would come. One of the most recurring one is a question in a book I read,

“Do you have to love yourself first before others can love you or do others have to love you before you can learn to love yourself?”

I believe in the latter. It’s hard to not feel lonely and unloved when you find yourself alone whenever there are no “duties” for you to do. School was wonderful, they help distract me from the loneliness but when it ends and I actually have a choice on what to do, I realize there’s nothing for me to do.

No reason for my being at all.

And then loneliness strikes. Day pass by with me just waiting for the sun to set and not long after, I can’t comprehend how I’m anything but a burden, a waste of space and resources.

Of course, people would say, “Hey, your parents still love you, you know? They just can’t spend time with you because they have to work to bring you up.”

“Hiyori, we’re sorry for always leaving you alone, you have to be strong okay?” my parents often said.

And so, I had to be a good son. I had to stand my own ground, alone. I can’t expect them to come help me. I had to live up to their expectations.

And that was when I started to fall. I never got around to stop being jealous around the other kids and saying goodbyes to friends was painful, so I decided I was more comfortable being alone.

Then I found sanctuary in swimming.

In the water, I could peacefully drown the world away and simply be myself.

I lost my smile.

Then, I met Ikuya. It has been a really long time since anyone reached out to me. And the naïve child I was became hopeful again. Right then, I learned how to smile again.

Then the moving started and I started spiraling down again. And as I drowned again in hopelessness and loneliness, I was still holding onto a little piece of precious memory that there was someone who liked me and would remember me. That there was a time where I would talk about the most useless shit and someone listened to me and even laughed along with me. That someone got to hear my thoughts, know my personality and who I really am as a person, insecurities and all. That someone is aware of my existence in this world, albeit a small one. It felt like a fairytale, wonderful and unreal.

Miraculously, we met again in America.

He was my only beacon of hope but he didn’t remember me.

There was a sharp pain in my chest.

I wish I hadn’t met him in the first place.

 _I should have known_ , I thought to myself. What was I thinking honestly. Although it was a moment that saved and changed me, for the other party it was just a trivial encounter, one that is easily forgotten.

There goes the proof of my existence on the world. Oh I was such a naïve child. Never again.

Never again.

I stopped expecting anything after that. I lost all sense of sympathy and empathy.

Ikuya then started struggling. Apparently, he was betrayed when he was in middle school and he was abandoning friendship and love to get stronger. I was a little happy about that.

Hey, I was never the nicest person around.

For a person who has pretty much lived his life in apathy and hopelessness, there’s this insane amount of satisfaction in knowing that I’m not the only one hurting. And it feels so much better because I saw a little hope that I might be someone special to someone again but I knew Ikuya did not see me as anything close to a friend, let alone a best friend.

“I don’t even know if you’re a friend to me,” he had said on the slide that night.

I thought I was numb to pain but there it was, excruciating and debilitating.

But oh well. Nothing noteworthy, just my daily dose of angst.

Just smile and move along.

Honestly, I would like to forget about him and move on with life. I do not wish to rekindle the precious memories I thought we had together. However, somehow or the other, I found myself unable to leave him. He was struggling so much and he was just so alone.

In him, I saw the lonely child I was several years ago.

So I did what I desperately wanted someone to do for me, I supported him with all I have. I know better than anyone how painful it is to have to keep your head up and keep going even when you feel so alone.

I did everything I could to be the best best friend. I even saved him from drowning though I wonder if he even remembers that. He's always so wrapped up in Haru.

Haru, Haru, Haru. He’s always thinking about Haru. I started off hopeful that we can be good friends again but the hope glows dimmer and dimmer by each day as he never let his guard down when he’s with me.

But no matter how hard I tried to rationalize myself to give up being good friends again with him, my conscience won’t let me. I couldn’t abandon him. I just couldn’t.

When I tried to abandon him, anxiety consumed me.

So I stayed by his side but I never expected anything in return. I just couldn’t leave, so I stayed.

I knew there was no way he would even see me as a close friend.

When Ikuya’s brother, Natsuya, asked me to look after Ikuya when we returned to Japan. It really made me happy. I was doing a great job as a best friend, wasn’t I?

 _Hey, I’m the closest person to Ikuya right now, aren’t I?_ I thought proudly. I didn’t even know I still had pride in me.

I thought I did it. I had someone who needed me. There was meaning to my existence in this world. Being needed fulfilled me. Taking care of Ikuya made me feel like I matter as a human being. Unfortunately, Ikuya still didn’t need me as much as I want him to, or at all would be more accurate. No one really wants me here but it’s still okay for me to exist, right?

It’s okay. I’m okay.

I’m fine.

Just smile and move along.

Things will get better... I hope.

And then Nanase happened. His appearance induced an immense fear in me at a degree I never thought was possible. Since he appeared, the focused Ikuya I knew was wavering. I was so scared that Ikuya would be shaken by his trauma in the past again, losing his ground and falling apart.

But that’s a lie.

The main reason for my fear is probably because I knew Nanase could easily gain Ikuya’s trust and friendship. And if that happens, Ikuya would abandon me without a care. I mean he never even appreciated anything I’ve done for him all these years.

All the things I’ve done doesn’t mean anything to him.

I hated seeing Nanase’s pure goodwill and his strong bonds of friendship with his circle of friends. Why is he trying to take my only important individual when he already has so many by his side?

Is the pain I endured every single day to this point still not enough?

I became overprotective, desperately doing everything I could to keep them apart. I even said a lot of spiteful words to keep them away.

Fear and anguish took its toll on me. There was no longer anger and frustration. I lost those a long time ago.

They can’t take Ikuya away from me. He is the result of my endeavors these past years. He is the mark I made in the world. He is the reason for my being.

I don’t want to lose my meaning in life.

Naturally, I failed. I mean that’s how it always is, isn’t it? The good always wins. Evil just perishes.

But one thing surprises me.

Ikuya still asked me to swim a relay with him.

I remember thinking, _Oh, I wasn’t forgotten yet?_

I swam with him and he even remembered our first meeting, the one where I learned how to smile again.

“…But not long after, he moved away. Was that kid…?” He wanted to confirm.

“I bet your smile was that kid’s salvation,” I said, looking into the distance. I could still remember the hope I felt back then, distant as it felt.

“You were a hero to him, Ikuya.” I turned my head to look at him as I uttered his name, my eyebrows gently upturned and a ghost of a smile on my lips.

Did you all think I lived happily ever after?

Unfortunately, no.

When he wanted to confirm if the kid was me, I decided I never wanted to let him know that indeed it was. Thus, the use of the past tense “were”. I wanted to leave it behind as it is, a memory of the past. I no longer want to form a bond with him as open as it was in the past. Why, you ask?

There was only one thing I felt when Ikuya finally looked at me.

Disappointment.

I wasn’t satisfied when he asked me to join the relay with him. I wasn’t satisfied when I saw him extend his hand to help me out of the pool after the relay. I wasn’t even satisfied when he finally remembered our first meeting.

He was finally looking at me. I could see it in his face. He was ready to trust me.

I thought I would be filled with joy and that my life would feel perfect, that I would have hope again for the future, but that didn’t happen.

All I felt was a vague, fuzzy warmth.

And it quickly fizzled out, leaving a gaping void.

Along these years, I gradually died.

From the moment I realized the only person who knew me as I am forgot about me, I started lose hope and at the same time, I was slowly but surely losing all kinds of emotions. First was happiness and joy then frustration and anger followed suit. Others followed and disappeared and in the end, I was left with nothing but a dull sadness and a constant tiredness.

Some things get lost and never return. And this is one of them.

All I feel now is nonchalance and emptiness. I don’t even know what would make me feel better. Wasn’t this what I wanted the most?

It’s true what they say. The grass is always greener on the other side. The more you can’t have something, the more you want it. But the moment you have it, you realize you don’t actually want it that much.

I think I never really cared for Ikuya since the moment he forgot me. I just saw the endeavoring lonely child I was in him and I just wanted to help my past self.

Because no one stayed by my side.

By staying by his side, it was as if I was giving my past self the support I desperately desired.

In addition, feeling like I’m needed was like a validation to my existence. It gave me reason and purpose to continue living.

It was like the book I read the other day. The tale of a father whose wife died of an illness, leaving him with their two-year-old daughter. It has always been one of my favorite stories but I never really thought about why. It was probably because I was able to relate to the father so much. How all he felt was despair and hopelessness but the sole duty of raising his daughter gave him a purpose in life and thus, he was able to carry on.

Here comes the difference. The daughter returned the love he poured into her. He slowly regained hope and various kinds of feelings.

In my case, it was unrequited.

I was never able to leave this dark, dark hole I fell into.

I don’t even think it had to be Ikuya. If I saw an endeavoring lonely child in anyone at all, I wouldn’t have been able to leave said person.

And now that he doesn’t need me anymore. I don’t have a reason to stay. I thought I would have loved to open up my heart to him at last but I realize that I don’t want to.

He would look at me, smiling, eyes glittering with hope, a warm red blush over his cheeks, eager to be my friend. But with all the things I’ve hidden from him, he doesn’t know me at all. The person he wanted to befriend was a smiling, supporting friend I desperately tried to be.

But that’s not who I am.

Maybe he took too long to realize I was here all along. Maybe I permanently lost all hope and am too afraid of being let down again. Maybe I just need more time to really accept him and let him in again.

But I do not want to show him my true self.

How long has it been again? Seven, eight years?

I’m definitely not ready to just let go of those torturous times and dive into a heart to heart relationship with the person who has constantly disappointed me for such a long time. Of course, he had his own issues but I’m just not ready.

Right now, I just want to leave it all.

I’m still smiling and moving along.

It seems like I’m doing great. Ikuya has treated me more like a close friend and I even hang out with Nanase and his friends occasionally. I smile, make snarky remarks, laugh every now and then. They are interesting and good people.

But there’s this remnant of loneliness and worry that just won’t go away. I feel like I’m hiding a part of me.

All those histories and memories they went through must have been irreplaceable. The more I watched them, the more apparent it feels that they felt completely at home at each other.

And that I don't belong.

I somehow feel like there’s a dark, shameful part in me that I can’t share with these wonderful, good, bright people. I feel like I would taint these pure, innocent souls, like black ink in water.

I wonder if someday, I will meet someone who legitimately makes me feel like I want to show them all of me, and in turn, me wanting to know all of them.

What is it like to wake up in the morning and know that there’s someone who knows just what a terrible person you are but still looks forward to seeing you?

Will there be a person who knows about all the ugly and dark parts of me? The loneliness and sadness I hid when I was a child. My overwhelming tendency to be jealous and possessive. My fear in engaging in even friendship. My satisfaction in Ikuya’s suffering. My selfish act of staying by Ikuya’s side just to console my past self. My spiteful thoughts. My apathetic mindset to do whatever I feel is necessary. My lack of care for anyone at all. I was a heartless, psychopathic jerk.

A fake, smiling, empty shell.

And he, ladies and gentlemen, is the person I hate most in this world.

A bitter laugh echoed.

I’m so tired of just smiling and moving along.

That ending of the little mermaid disappearing into foam... I don't think it sounds too bad.

_It might even feel nice and peaceful to leave it all behind and disappear._

I thought as I submerged into the water.

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I've always thought Hiyori was the most interesting character this season. And sorry to say, but I never really liked Ikuya. So actually I'm still thinking about who to ship him with. 
> 
> I was thinking Natsuya but then Natsuya and Nao is too much like MakoRin and I just can't break them apart x'D MakoRin is my OTP of all time so ...
> 
> I was also thinking Kisumi 'cause of that one scene but hmm ... It's not clicking with me either ... If anyone has any ideas, feel free to comment


End file.
